what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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