dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
