Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
