You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
