Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
