Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
