I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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