Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
