you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
