I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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