she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All the doctor said was why
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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