sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
