I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
