I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
