Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
