Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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