i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Can i not drive my cunt home
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
