i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
