Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
