I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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