just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
