I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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