Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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