god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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