I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
