don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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