Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
