At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
