And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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