My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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