Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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