I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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