I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
