I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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