Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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