two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
