So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
