yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Vodka?
Forever.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
