You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
