I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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