I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
True strength comes from lack of pants
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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