I think im going to throw up on grandma
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it's like iHOP with fire
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
