Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
