So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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