at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
