The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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