Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
