Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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