I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
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