how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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