The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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