Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
